plastik asterik: June 2009

I'm getting back on track.

"The High Preistess is a gateway to integration. She shows you what's inside. She takes time to get quiet to listen to her inner voice." - The Devil, The Lovers, and Me by Kimberlee Aurbauch

I moved away with a mission....to get rid of the pain, the stagnance, the immobile love life, the loneliness...

[view from the philly house i tried to escape to]

The longer I was away the more I realized...the pain won't go away with geographic exploration. It's great to see the world, necessary and revitalizing. But the only way to mend yourself is by facing the issues...wherever you are. I can't hide from myself.

[an illustration done by me]

...inspired by

"The Rip" - Portishead

[this version is coincidentally amazing because it features clips from my all time favorite movie, The Fountain by Darren Aronofsky (he is married to Rachel Weisz, the actress in the film - also directed and produced Requiem for a Dream]

As for my love life, I know even more now...what i'm looking for. And it isn't something I can go out and put an order in for. Because that kind of soul is not what I need. I need to do the things my own soul is telling me to do. And love will love that.

"Aquarius" by me

"Daniel" - Bat for Lashes
[singer, Natasha Kahn, is a babe]

I wasn't alone. There was an abundance of humans in my life. It took leaving to truely solidify that. But the people I've always loved and cherished...inspire me with their independant ability to discover what i had to take a selfish escape to find.

[a postcard from my dad to my mom before i was born]

[my grandma in the 70's]

[my dad the year he married my mom - '82]

[my mom the year i was born - '86]

[my little sister & i, virginia beach '96]

"Beach Baby" - Miracle Fortress

(video extraction from "El Globo Rojo" by Albert Lamorisse)

So i'm guilty and I'm apologetic. But I'm humbled and human and I'm ready to face the things I scattered around. I'm picking up the pieces and I'm open to everything inevitable now.

I'm not a rockstar. I'm a human, and that finally excites me the way it should have all along.

I DON'T KNOW A LIFE ON THE BEATEN PATH ANYMORE. I MAY HAVE TRIED AND I MAY BE JUDGED FOR FAILING AT THAT OR AT CHOOSING TO TAKE THE ONES LESS TRAVELED. BUT I WANT THE SAME RICHES AND HOLD THE SAME MORAL VALUES AS WHOEVER IT IS THAT DEFINES WHAT THE BEATEN PATH IS. THE MORE I EMBRACE THIS GIFT OF IMAGINATION AND INTEGRATE THIS ABUNDANCE OF CREATIVITY INTO MY SURROUNDINGS...THE CLEARER IT IS TO NAVIGATE THROUGH MY OWN INDIVIDUAL ROUTE TO THE UNIVERSAL DREAM OF HAPPINESS.

that i found in all my various notebooks & stuff while moving/rearranging
as i read everything, i realized that each obstacle i wrote about has been overcome at this point. I'm so much happier, calmer, more sober, and dealing.
It's so relieving to be healing.

5/1/09 (written while drunk in my bed with a dead phone)

the pain
the pain
the pain the pain
if anything's not to blame
it's not the pain
you're here
you're not
please go
but don't
if anything...
the pain
it still remains.
I wrote about your effect
the pain...
it's gone
but its effect
FOREVER
and yet
I forget
who you are.

please be here
not in my arms
but my life
for good
cus I hate your guts
and you...are every man.

(sometime around november next to a drawing of a girl with a huge fur coat and animal hooves)

I will smack the smiles off those fake toddler's heads

and slice that bitchass mother

who yells at her for droppin her jacket on stage.

simple clothes.

BIG UNCONVENTIONAL FUR COAT BODY.

11/08

...and maybe my hopeless romantic insight

is keeping me up writing bullshit all night

but what is the matter with wanting something

that you've had feel so lovely before?

all that i want is someone to step in

and love me and need me

intellectually feed me

comprehend madness

that i seem to bring

i'm so sorry, world, sorry

if i'm scaring away

all the things i could have

"Jackie" 10/08

She brought warmth with her today when she arrived. She brought a suitcase, her short little self, a hug for me, and she brought warmth. She brought someone i forgot about. We all wanted to know about her world, with the horses and the cats, elbows on the table, looking in the mirror. She looked at my face and told me "I'm me." Her eyes smiled and her life screamed cus she's free.

Fuck my own instability and pride, I forgot her eyes.

They say my words make her cry, that there's something so vital in what my letters give to her. I'm only 22 and she's just completed my life. I swear I want so much, I hug my pillow late at night, I ask whatever god I think of...to grant me more more more.

She reaches in her heart and fights a battle everyday.

She fights it by herself and she's my strength, my something else, she's my little reminder of life, completion. Knowing what's broken, knowing we can't fix it. There was youth inside her smile & I'll cry. And all the ghosts I let inside can stay if they like but she walked in the door and they were silent for just once. I wish I had more of her time to just watch. Like when we were babies, she'd sleep in her crib and I'd sneak out my room to just watch.

"Sister" I said it out loud, I remember.

Didn't wake her up, I just stared. And life's pretty fucked. She knows it, I've read. We didn't know then but everyday I wish I could hold her hand. She fights for her life. She fights for her fucking life every day.

She's winning and that's why I call her my strength.

12/17/08

winter window

and the whites of my eyes

always a child

two decades of life

always beginning

vacant fevers

blood in my teeth

silent ice on the tree

point shoes

fuzzy warmers

and neon hippy bracelets

heavy weights

dreams on paper

following intuition

fire on water

travel by foot

dreams of ghosts

fake and beauty

freedom inside

security silk

humbled pride

space and filth

saying goodbye

holiday neglect

posessions tucked away

bodily recognition

partnership and trust

lack of affection

love the inside

lounging multitasking

self-taught medicine

open like twelve books

patience and time.

2/2/09

We all live on the middle of nowhere

cus everything is nothing

and the sky falls off at night.

A DREAM I HAD ON 9/20/08

kept bumping into things wit my car

started bleeding blue (purple, then blue)

"it means your baby is dead" - the ending of something that is a part of you

(i knew i was pregnant & got upset when they said it was dead)

started driving to the doctor's office

went over curbs, etc. almost got into accidents

doctor = "church" with big column in front of the ceremony (couldn't see the preist or whoever was there)

people were singing mozart & lots of jewish people showed up including my old friend & her mom

her mom was crying

she was next to me & every time she talked I'd draw lines on her neck with a dry erase marker

little kids around

black man kept running into a wall "dancing"...?

i left and was inches away from a car accident again

i end up laying with the black man in a room with other people

(it's the same bed from some of my other dreams but not one that i recognize in real life)

it's not against a wall on the left of right

windows on the left, door on the right

i leave, go in my closet (of my real life current house)

and see a bunch of other people's things in it

i tell alyse, katie, & rachel that we're "leaving" at 7pm

then i leave and go "across the way" to my guy friend's apartment

i break in, but the door is open

lots of little pieces of food are in upside down containers

some food is out & old, i eat it

i explore around the apartment & think someone might be inside - i run to the bed that's in the kitchen & try to hide under the covers

a bunch of people come in and there is a bunch of stuff around me (a wallet, a brush, dried bread in plastic)

the people think that i took them but no one cares.

a bunch of clothes are around me.

a girl i went to school with walks in and wants a hug

but when i try she just holds my hands above our heads and dances around while she tells me a story (i don't listen)

we go out to the balcony (it gets dark out & i wonder why i'm getting so sidetracked)

the balcony is really long, people from highschool are on it with me.

I see clouds start to form really low to the ground with pink & orange light in them (it's pretty at first)

then as they start to rise I duck down lower to behind the railing & they seperate into a rising line of circular shapes that start to look to me like human heads with strings as necks, definately scary dead/ghost heads though with evil eyes, they get really close to the balcony & i hug the girls from highschool and tell them what i think they look like. Everyone freaks out but I close my eyes.

then somehow I end up at "a show" but it's at some circus looking place & I almost go in the wrong door.

i get inside & people are calling me by a different name.

(sometime before, after, or in between this - i'm at my jewish friend's house sitting at a table and we talk about earlier, at church. she says mozart makes her mom cry. my cat is walking on the table)

I see people that i know but they ignore me. then i see a quiet girl from highschool with a painted black racoon mask and some other weird attire. people's clothes start to get stranger.

then i wake up.

sometime in fall 08 (semi-drunk)

There's too much depth

in areas I don't know how to share

too much to portray

to volunteer to wear

I want specific things

unattainable and scarce

yet I'm so angry late at night

so sad to be alone

unwelcome in my own home

and I could write a thousand lists

of what I'd love to have

yet go to bed so lost as to why

I'm alone in my head

I'm alone on these sheets

I'm alone for ONE moment

and it hurts like nails in your lungs

the ones

I put there myself don't compare

and I'm getting so used to this heat

and the cold, fucking cold

I can't defeat

you want time to slow down

so you can adjust

but go faster please now

cus i'm weak

scared

in SUCH

of a time where there's pain

fucking head down to toe

that I numb with the things

that i think but don't know

and reading my words makes me sigh

makes me cry

it could make me awake,

more awake than tonight

which is still so alive

but i'd rather it not

cus they all have their hands

in another one's palm

everyone seems to be

on the road they should be

with the person beside them

who makes them happy

then there's me

cus I think

and I HATE how i think.

when the light of the party

and crowds get inside

tehre's no room left for me

to reflect on myself

so i scream and i dance

i'm "so happy" to them

i'm so crazy, so funny

whatever, i'm that.

but it's fucked, though it's real

i don't hide how i feel

i take moments to sit all alone

on purpose.

i need...

DAYS TO REFLECT ON MY CONSCIOUS NEGLECT

for the person i'd be if i could

but it's easier now

to push on with a force

to hear my own voice

only that.

it'd be nice to be happy with that.

10/08

where did this crazy burst of self-empowerment come from?

i AM SO FREE

i'm SO HAPPILY CONTENT

i'm writing for me.

i'm drawing for me.

i'm thinking and dreaming for me.

it's been so long....

MAKE ART MAKE ART MAKE ART

FANTASY/IMAGINATION/HELP/WISDOM/ART/IDEA/TEXTURE/COLOR/INSPIRATION

plastic asterik orange hair buttons blood-shot eyes, black feathers, life tubes

drain plug, crown, bling, army boots, cat eye, swords

skin-toned leather, ropes, fishnet, fish, asian eyes, lots of white flowing fabric

top hats, fire, horns, fountain of rain, tiny boats, hyena, glowing orange eyes, cigar

tight plastered 20's hair, curtain made of weed bowl/glass, paisleys, tattooed body, 3 people, mirrors, snakes

huge bottle of alcohol, glass stirrer, spiral staircase, puppies, huge fur coat, nakedness, laced up piercings, shaved head, marble floor, milk & cookies

dark skin, platinum hair, strawberries in red pool, palm tree, upside down sunrise & skyline

gypsey blanket fort bed silk

bamboo bones dry studs sparkly cloud

sand. green. lights.

small boat peach snow ice mango plant

profile curly blond vanilla black lips dots

shiny bugs whispy leaves

long window curtains skyline city beige dusk

bright orange white words

tall flowers wheat blue wild birds furry

cute puppy eyes tangled limbs ribbons

lace wood murky water shiny scaley lizards rainbow eyes

braids pots pans tiles dirty face red lips

11/24/08

you're fighting for what's real

what's right

don't let them steal your light

you're running for and from something

but intuitively tonight

don't stop to kiss on their feet

don't fall down

don't see around yourself in the mirror,

smile in your own eyes

empower.

love and respect and the things you desire, you deserve, are attainable there

and don't do a thing to bow down

to their words

or their eyes

or the smiles they force feed

when you're open and weak

don't let the scarceness impede

go to your soul and sit down

for a while

you're a beautiful thing with such light

don't need a "he" to get through the night.

11/25/08 (i think this is the R rated dr. suess in me)

I don't know how to ride a bike

I can't follow through with a project

I can't keep a job

I neglect my pets

I can't stop smoking

I can't stop drinking

I can't shut up sometimes

I don't know what to tell you if you're screaming for my help

and I can't express my own thoughts through my own mouth

I cry at night

I fuck up my life

I forget to do homework

I forget to pay bills

I can't pay my rent or my debt

I can't figure out men

I can't understand french

I can't read a book

I get lost everywhere that I drive

I can't draw a boy

or grow my nails long

can't grow my hair long

can't leave it alone

I can't get an A

I can't fall asleep

I let down my family, my friends, and my pets

I can't save a dime

or swim underwater

I cough all the time

and I hate my own voice

I confuse everyone

I confuse myself

I bother everyone when I feel alone

then use them and leave them

I can't make up my mind

can't tell a good joke

can not mow the lawn

I can't read minds and still feel like that's wrong

But one thing I know

and I swear that it's true

I know how to love

ah, to love, yes i do.

2/1/09 (Venus enters aries - my most 'romantic' period all year until june)

I'm connected to my venus-in-scorpio self as of late.

She has the cheek piercings, tattoos, and look in her eye like she'll seduce her way to the prize.

Zestfully confide in everything she believes.

Scorpio.

Venus in Scorpio.

I <3>

1/14/09

I don't sleep with a window behind me anymore, only 2 to see when I open my eyes in the morning. They're glowing light, filling my surroundings with potential. I left alot...and nothing. I have so much before me, around me, above me. It's something or nothing and not in between and when I'm blinded I'm faithful, I'm everything. If only they all could know. But time brings so much, though I hate when it's slow. It's cold but I dream and I'm young and I dance. A time of abundance is near, I can feel it. But now I just wait with the words on my back, hearing the wind. They all hear it the same. Even in sleep it's a game. Disinterest disturbs me. It hurts when I feel. I hear what you say but my past has dismantled. I'm put back together but easily feel pain. I live my life...with or without the love that I crave. I only can dream that it's real. Goodnight.

"only display what you want to see happen in your life"

2/09

I could take a taxi to the beach right now.

I have no one to tell me "don't go"

No reason to tell someone where I'll be tomorrow.

Just living,

there is no sky, open, lit, hitting the bare tree tops here.

Just brick, wall, and tall.

More sounds of going

less of the still

and this is where I counted down the days to leave to.

Thinking that changing the place where I sleep and move all my one million thousands of things would bring what i'm missing

bring my anyone...

or love.

It's been so long now that I can't feel the desire that comes with new, exciting, promising potential. Wraps you up overwhelmingly so that nothing wants to possess your brain space more than the feeling of being near them. Even if you try, there's a smile jumping off your stupid face and everything seems to have music playing around it, time matters. Things to look forward to, people to tell. Not enough of that haunting thing called time in a day to think everything you want and to feel feel fucking feel like you never imagined you had the capacity to feel ALL at once because your eyes made a connection with someone and whether you expected or not, you see something that screams POSSIBILITY and reality shifts, welcome to the here and now that's WORTH taking every second in of. No more wasted breath it's all for them. Your heart moves a tiny bit every day. Progression. More more. Then fuck it all.

There's always something.

After every someone, and god knows how many fucking someones there have been.

WHEN!?...

I will not deny that I want what I want and that's someone to love me. I can't remember the last time somsone who I cared for told me I'm beautiful and meant it. How do I even know if I am anymore?

I love myself and that's something I've worked at for years upon years. That's why I'm alone. Because I've come to believe that I deserve something so amazing and so recognizeable that nothing is good enough for me. Maybe better this way...but I'm starting to go insane.